So Paris Hilton has been jailed for 45 days after driving when her licence was suspended. Too bloody right.
And the best bit of all? She won't be allowed any special treatment. No access to her Blackberry, chihuahua or nail technicians. No gourmet meals and no designer togs. Paris will be a regular inmate just like every other offender in her jail.
But will this finally teach her a lesson? Probably not. And the reason for this? Her mother.
When Paris was sentenced to the wake-up call the rest of the world has been wanting to deliver since she copyrighted the vacant phrase "that's hot", Kathy Hilton laughed and snapped at the judge, "May I have your autograph?"
Oh, how witty you are, Kathy. That remarkably laughable (even for you) comment only exposed to greater effect how far your wilfully childish and spoilt daughter has been influenced by her parents.
Kathy went on to yell "You're pathetic!" at the judge who decided to - shock horror - make her daughter accountable for her actions.
Well, no wonder your daughter's behaving with such flagrant disregard for the law if that's the example you set her.
I've heard of parents who drag their deviant offspring to the police station in the desperate hope that a spell behind bars will scare them into improving their rebellious teenage behaviour.
Paris, on the other hand, has been encouraged to believe that she may do as she chooses and use her privileged background and bulging bank account to buy her way out of the consequences.
"I'm very sorry, and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry, and I did not do it on purpose at all," said Paris before her sentence was delivered.
Well, newsflash, Paris: You are an adult, not an underage teenager. It's your responsibility to make sure you pay complete attention to everything before you're pulled up in court for not doing so.
No one else gets a second or third chance. If I did what you did and said to the judge, "Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening that first time, give us another chance, eh?", I'd be quite rightly laughed out of the courtroom and into the nearest cell.
"To sentence Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail was to me uncalled for, inappropriate, and bordered on the ludicrous. I think she was singled out because she's who she is," said Hilton's attorney.
Indeed! How ludicrous it is to hold an adult accountable for their illegal actions! To make her live like a mere mortal for 45 days! Doesn't the judge know who she is? She's PARIS HILTON, for goodness' sake! She was born, by sheer fluke of the genetic lottery, into a family worth millions! Surely that entitles her to behave as she pleases without the threat of punishment?
Afraid not, guys. Maybe this will finally send a message to the souped up brats of Hollywood that just because you happen to be good at crying on camera for a profession that happens to make more money than others, you aren't a superior being and neither should you act like one. Somehow, though, I doubt it.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
Perfect Parkas
(The Smoke issue 7)
This season the parka is the only worthy winter warmer. The androgynous outerwear looks striking paired with jeans or leggings. Team with heeled boots for a streamlined silhouette and a look favoured by fashion heavyweights the world over.
Burberry, Luella Bartley and Bottega Veneta all showcased the trend in their utumn/Winter collections. And the parka's popularity looks unlikely to subside in the Ne Year as high street brands capitalise on the look.
Topshop, Marks & Spencer and Debenhams have all produced stylish but affordable parkas guaranteed to see you warm and well-dressed for the remainder of the winter months.
Burberry, Luella Bartley and Bottega Veneta all showcased the trend in their utumn/Winter collections. And the parka's popularity looks unlikely to subside in the Ne Year as high street brands capitalise on the look.
Topshop, Marks & Spencer and Debenhams have all produced stylish but affordable parkas guaranteed to see you warm and well-dressed for the remainder of the winter months.
Pass Us A Ciggie
A feature in the style of Jonathan Swift
(Please note that nothing contained in this article represents my personal opinion on the subject discussed.)
Smoking is soon to be banned in public places across the UK. Such a bizarre move is clearly another example of the government succumbing to the pressure of a few eccentric activists in the name of political correctness.
We are to be stripped of one of our only solaces in a world with more daily stressors than ever before. Shopping in an over-crowded supermarket of blithering fools blocking aisles with their trolleys; festering in a traffic jam at five p.m. on a Monday night; attempting to put the kids to bed just as they develop a sudden case of acute hyperactivity; these are the times when the cigarette is our saviour.
Many a public brawl in the cornflake aisle has undoubtedly been prevented by the prospective perpetrators popping outside before throwing a punch to smoke away their stress.
Without these merciful sticks of sanity, we will be reduced to a mob of edgy lunatics in desperate need of some anger management therapy (much pricier than a couple of packets of Marlboro Lights a week). The number of car accidents would also be bound to increase due to irate motorists taking to ramming cars off the road like dodgems.
Indeed, some scientists have even gone so far as to suggest that smoking may prevent the onset of dementia. But smoking is not just beneficial to national Mental Health statistics. An obesity epidemic is sweeping the Western world. The UK is one of the biggest culprits, with 46% of men and 32% of women overweight and 17% of men and 21% of women obese. The solution to the problem is blindingly obvious, yet widely ignored: smoking.
Yes, there are a few negative implications associated with the habit. Similarly harmful associations also apply to driving cars, but we have yet to see the mass pedestrianisation of the UK in a bid to minimise crashes - which will be necessary if the ban goes ahead (and this will pose problems in itself, as many smokers suffer from asthma already. Surely it is an abuse of human rights to force people with delicate chests to hike everywhere on foot?)
Obesity causes all kinds of health worries in itself, such as heart disease or even heart attack. Surely the discerning British public would prefer to look trim and have lower stress levels than to be fat, angry and prone to heart attack at any minute?
Smoking is soon to be banned in public places across the UK. Such a bizarre move is clearly another example of the government succumbing to the pressure of a few eccentric activists in the name of political correctness.
We are to be stripped of one of our only solaces in a world with more daily stressors than ever before. Shopping in an over-crowded supermarket of blithering fools blocking aisles with their trolleys; festering in a traffic jam at five p.m. on a Monday night; attempting to put the kids to bed just as they develop a sudden case of acute hyperactivity; these are the times when the cigarette is our saviour.
Many a public brawl in the cornflake aisle has undoubtedly been prevented by the prospective perpetrators popping outside before throwing a punch to smoke away their stress.
Without these merciful sticks of sanity, we will be reduced to a mob of edgy lunatics in desperate need of some anger management therapy (much pricier than a couple of packets of Marlboro Lights a week). The number of car accidents would also be bound to increase due to irate motorists taking to ramming cars off the road like dodgems.
Indeed, some scientists have even gone so far as to suggest that smoking may prevent the onset of dementia. But smoking is not just beneficial to national Mental Health statistics. An obesity epidemic is sweeping the Western world. The UK is one of the biggest culprits, with 46% of men and 32% of women overweight and 17% of men and 21% of women obese. The solution to the problem is blindingly obvious, yet widely ignored: smoking.
Yes, there are a few negative implications associated with the habit. Similarly harmful associations also apply to driving cars, but we have yet to see the mass pedestrianisation of the UK in a bid to minimise crashes - which will be necessary if the ban goes ahead (and this will pose problems in itself, as many smokers suffer from asthma already. Surely it is an abuse of human rights to force people with delicate chests to hike everywhere on foot?)
Obesity causes all kinds of health worries in itself, such as heart disease or even heart attack. Surely the discerning British public would prefer to look trim and have lower stress levels than to be fat, angry and prone to heart attack at any minute?
The Fast Train to Uxbridge
An observational feature
Raindrops mar the view from the train window, the blurry outlines of molting trees barely visible under a heavy grey sky. The trees rush together as the train gathers speed, rocking its passengers up and down, up and down.
The man in the brown and white checked plimsols picks up his coffee from the red and navy flecked floor of the train. Sporadically stuffing muffin into his mouth from a crumpled paper bag, he loudly sucks the moist crumbs from his podgy white fingers before raking them through his clipped brown hair.
A giggle pierces the controlled rhythm of the train. Two young women sporting an array of colourful woolly garments are gossipping in thick Mancunian accents, their heads close together. Their voices become animated and snatches of their conversation float down the carriage.
'Ooooh, d'yeh remember when...'
'Noooo!'
'...she took it out o't freezer and it were defrostin and the cat took it -'
'- Yeh joh-kin'!'
'Honest teh God, it took the whole tur-keh to't top o't stairs an' sat there chewin on one end o'it!'
The doors of the train whoosh open like a conveyer belt at high speed. An impenetrable gust of wind rushes into the carriage. The train is suddenly silent, its engine still. Only the muffled raggae of a nearby ipod disrupts the quiet. Then the doors quickly groan shut and the engine groans back to life, resuming its monotonous drum beat of motion.
Plimsol Man takes a navy and white handkerchief from his green duffel pocket and vigorously blows his nose. Replacing the now-soiled hanky, he sniffs, his nostrils red and slightly flared.
A lady in a tight beige mac coughs hoarsely from her seat across the aisle. She fiddles with a strand of unruly ginger hair resting just above her barely-there eyebrow as she scans a copy of Bella through small black-rimmed spectacles.
A shrivelled elderly man taps on his coffee cup, in synchrony with the motion of the train. Tap-tap. Tap-tap.
The train doors whoosh to a close once again and it departs from the windy platform, shrouded in a sheet of rain.
The man in the brown and white checked plimsols picks up his coffee from the red and navy flecked floor of the train. Sporadically stuffing muffin into his mouth from a crumpled paper bag, he loudly sucks the moist crumbs from his podgy white fingers before raking them through his clipped brown hair.
A giggle pierces the controlled rhythm of the train. Two young women sporting an array of colourful woolly garments are gossipping in thick Mancunian accents, their heads close together. Their voices become animated and snatches of their conversation float down the carriage.
'Ooooh, d'yeh remember when...'
'Noooo!'
'...she took it out o't freezer and it were defrostin and the cat took it -'
'- Yeh joh-kin'!'
'Honest teh God, it took the whole tur-keh to't top o't stairs an' sat there chewin on one end o'it!'
The doors of the train whoosh open like a conveyer belt at high speed. An impenetrable gust of wind rushes into the carriage. The train is suddenly silent, its engine still. Only the muffled raggae of a nearby ipod disrupts the quiet. Then the doors quickly groan shut and the engine groans back to life, resuming its monotonous drum beat of motion.
Plimsol Man takes a navy and white handkerchief from his green duffel pocket and vigorously blows his nose. Replacing the now-soiled hanky, he sniffs, his nostrils red and slightly flared.
A lady in a tight beige mac coughs hoarsely from her seat across the aisle. She fiddles with a strand of unruly ginger hair resting just above her barely-there eyebrow as she scans a copy of Bella through small black-rimmed spectacles.
A shrivelled elderly man taps on his coffee cup, in synchrony with the motion of the train. Tap-tap. Tap-tap.
The train doors whoosh to a close once again and it departs from the windy platform, shrouded in a sheet of rain.
Christmas Is Coming
(The Smoke issue 6)
Christmas is coming, so step out in sparkly style this December in some of the season’s flashiest footwear.
High street brands from Primark to Office have gone all glittery, producing a plethora of gloriously gaudy pumps, strappies, platforms, and courts in a range of high-impact colours guaranteed to make heads turn.
From festive gold, silver, and red, to candy pink and royal blue, there is a take on this trend for every taste.
So sample the spangle for your very own set of twinkle-toes this Christmas! Team them with a matching glittery belt or bag for a head-to-toe shimmer, or dress them down with an all-black outfit for a sophisticated look with added sparkle.
High street brands from Primark to Office have gone all glittery, producing a plethora of gloriously gaudy pumps, strappies, platforms, and courts in a range of high-impact colours guaranteed to make heads turn.
From festive gold, silver, and red, to candy pink and royal blue, there is a take on this trend for every taste.
So sample the spangle for your very own set of twinkle-toes this Christmas! Team them with a matching glittery belt or bag for a head-to-toe shimmer, or dress them down with an all-black outfit for a sophisticated look with added sparkle.
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